The screen goes from a grey whirling fuzz, and slowly you can start to make out the shape of a very spiky looking trophy sitting on a plinth between two smartly dressed presenters who are grinning inanely at the camera.

Just as your senses register this, a mad blast of trumpet fanfare erupts, successfully deafening everything around you.

Des: Welcome, Bloodbowl fans to what looks to be another exciting game. Who have we got playing today Mel ?Mel: Well Des, I believe we have the enormously sexy Wood Elves – “The Green Goddesses” and the notoriously vicious Orc team – “Bussgobs Boys”.

Des: As it’s nice weather today we seem to have got a fair turn-out, looks to be about 37,000 fans packing into the stadium, better hope the “rat-on-a-stick” sellers have got enough stock in.

Mel: Look Des, the pre-match intros are over and the teams are lining up on the pitch ready for the Goddesses to kick off.

Suddenly the screen flickers and an image of a very bald wizard appears holding a small tub of cream which he proceeds to rub on his head. As if by magic hair starts to sprout from everywhere he rubbed the cream (including his hands). A message on the screen reads “Use Marvo’s Hair Regenerator and throw away that nasty wig”

The screen flickers again and our two presenters reappear.

Des: Looks like that was a quick word from our sponsors there. Oh Mel, the drive has started.

Mel: Indeed it has Des, the Goddesses have managed to wrestle the ball off the Boys and they are starting to head down the pitch.

Des: Did you see that! Not only was one of the Goddesses flattened by the Boys and carted off to the dugout for a draft of restorative wine, but Nymphaea Greenleef, the Wardancer has received a nasty tap on the jaw and by the look of things it’s broken. Looks like she’ll be missing the next match Mel.

Des: Well one of the Wood elves has broken away from the pack. Wow! Look at that catcher go. She’s legging it up the field like a Skaven gutter runner with a bum full of…

Mel: Indeed Des, but looks like she’s run amok of the Orc thrower, Oh no, it’s just resulted in a minor slapping match.

Des: You’re right there Mel. She’s dodged round the Orcs defence and scored.

Mel: Time for the next drive then Des, How’s that KO’d elf doing ?

Des: Looks like the nurse needs to give her a bit longer, she’s still got birdies floating round her head.

Mel: Never mind her, look at the way these teams are going for it – the ball is all over the pitch.

Des: Just so Mel. The Orcs have managed to punch their way through the elf defence and have left several of them on the floor.

Mel: And the Orc Blitzer has grabbed the ball and is running for the line.

Des: Where did those two elves come from ?

Mel: I’ll explain that to you later Des. Look – all they’ve managed to do is push him sideways, so he’s dodged away from them and scored. That crowd is really going wild.

Des: We’re nearing the end of the first half Mel, so lets’ see how things are going ?

Mel: Well that KO’d elf is still out for the count, but would you look at that – one of the Elves has just been carted off to the dugout and she looks like she’s in a bad way.

Des: She certainly is Mel – looks like she’ll be missing the rest of this match.

Mel: Was that the whistle Des ?

Des: Must have been as the security trolls are escorting the teams off the pitch for a half time breather.

Mel: Ok fans, we’ll be right back after a few more messages from our sponsors….

Another odd wizard appears on the screen and starts to rub some miracle cream on his chin. He suddenly sprouts a full beard which continues to grow to his knees. The caption reads “Fed up of bum-fluff. Grow a noble fuzz with Marvo’s beard tonic.”

Des: Ok Mel, the referee has called a temporary halt while the large pile of bottles the Orc fans have thrown onto the pitch are cleared away.

Mel: That didn’t take too long, but what’s this ? The Elves only have 10 players on the pitch.

Des: That KO’d elf must really have taken a knock if she’s still out of the game.

Mel: The referee has blown his whistle and the teams are scrambling for the ball.

Des: Ouch that must have hurt – another elf is being carried off by the medics to sit out the rest of the match.

Mel: Never mind that Des – look at that catcher go – that’s another touchdown for the Elves.

Des: Still no sign of that KO’d elf on the next drive.

Mel: Oops, over confidence there by the Elf catcher, she’s tripped over that Orc’s foot and twisted her back.

Des: That’s another elf out of the game then Mel.

Mel: Damn, there goes another one. One of the line Elves has just been invited to inspect the tight stitching on that Orc’s glove and she’s being carried off.

Des: Looks like the Orcs have taken advantage of the fact the Elves are taking a trip to the dug-out and have scored.

Mel: The referee has also seen the way the Elves are collapsing and has called Injury time, giving both teams a little longer to try and score.

Des: That’s just what the Elves don’t need at this point Mel – they really need this match over as fast as possible.

Mel: I see what you mean Des, That’s two more elves taking a bash on the head and needing the restorative wine.

Des: The Orcs have used this to their advantage and have scored again.

Mel: The Elves are really taking a pounding. They’ve only got 5 players on the pitch for this drive.

Des: Yes, and the Orcs are still at full strength.

Mel: Must be hard with 5 – no make that 4 players at this stage of the game.

Des: Well that’s the final whistle. Final score is 3:2 to the Boys and they take their place at the top of the table.

Mel: Ok fans, we’ll see you again at the next match.

More inane music and chat continue as the lights fade out to be replaced by yet another dodgy looking wizard trying to flog Marvo’s hair restorer….

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 29 November 2006 )